‘Wife wonât stop spending and never asks me for my opinion before splurging’
Dear Coleen
Iâm a 42-year-old married man with two kids who are at primary school. I have become Âincreasingly frustrated in my marriage, mostly because my wife doesnât feel the need to run anything by me.
What upsets me the most is that she spends money like itâs going out of fashion. Iâm not expecting a rundown of Âeverything she buys, but when it comes to big purchases like electronic devices and Âfurniture, for example, Iâd like to have a say.
Iâm the main breadwinner, but my wife works part-time and weâve had a joint account since we got married. Whenever I try to bring up the issue of money, she gets angry and defensive, and starts shouting about how Âunreasonable I am.
I donât think I am at all, in fact I think Iâm a pretty good husband and father and she doesnât appreciate it. I donât think itâs unreasonable to know how much weâre spending, plus Iâd like to save for holidays and keep some in the bank as a safety net in case either of us is out of work.
Maybe that sounds boring, but one of us has to be Âfinancially sensible. How can I get her to accept that I have a right to my opinion and that weâre supposed to be a partnership, without her flying off the handle?
Coleen says
I think sheâs taking you and the situation for granted, so it feels like she doesnât respect you or appreciate you. If itâs difficult to discuss without things getting heated, you could suggest relationship counselling to focus specifically on the financial issue.
But before you go down that road you could try to arrange a time to go through your bank statements together and talk about how youâre spending your money â what you need to budget for (the mortgage and household bills, for example) and things like holidays that you need to save for. Maybe if she sees the figures in black and white, sheâll realise how much sheâs spending and that itâs not a bottomless pit.
If youâre going to stick with a joint account, you should also agree on boundaries, like discussing big purchases with each other before you make them. Money is one of those things thatâs hard to talk about, so itâs important how you approach it.
Try not to blame her or Âcriticise her because sheâll immediately get defensive. Why not frame it as a financial spring clean? Good luck.
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